nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
