Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
