I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
