I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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