the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
