He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
