Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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