Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
