i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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