Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
