Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
As shirtless as possible
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
