A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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