Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
