Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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