mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Vodka?
Forever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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