Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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