Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
