I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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