wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
