i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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