i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
