Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
