i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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