I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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