My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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