my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
