I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
