peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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