why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
