I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
