My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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