why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
