You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
