I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
