I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
