Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
