omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument