He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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