Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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