I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia