You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
