She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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