I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
