I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
