she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
