How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
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I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
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Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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