Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
