I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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