I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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