he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
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you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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