Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
